A conflict between two walking contradictions
He believes in G-d, the divine origin of the Torah, the authority of the rabbis, and the importance of respecting the midrashic (interpretative) tradition, and loves to give divrei Torah/Torah discussions at the Seudah Shlishit . He doesn't believe in getting to synagogue on time, and arrives almost invariably an hour late to Shabbat/Sabbath and Yom Tov/Festival morning services, often completely missing Mincha/Afternoon Service on Shabbat and arriving just in time for Seudah Shlishit, carrying with him, despite the fact that there's no eruv in our neighborhood, the printed materials to which he refers in his divrei Torah. Though probably more fluent in Hebrew than almost any other member of the synagogue, he no longer chants any haftarot, and will no longer lein/read from the Torah when the chazzan/cantor is on vacation.
By contrast, I'm "Conservaprax," less of a believer and more of an observer. I try to davven/pray three times a day, though I don't always succeed. I try not to eat in non-kosher restaurants in places where kosher restaurants are available. I may not be the most observant Jew, but I'm almost as likely to try to follow the tradition (by, for example no longer traveling on Shabbat and Yom Tov [except for sedarim], though I honestly don't think that I'll be able to sustain that decision once there's no synagogue within walking distance) as to fight against it.
Frequent commenter JDub had the good sense to suggest "You would be a lot happier if you just focused on yourself and your own observance . . . " That's good advice, but I find it easier said than done, especially when the non-observance or inconsistent observance of others has a direct or indirect impact on my own observance. When the president says that he has to hire a leiner to read the Torah during the cantor's vacation, should I not be upset, knowing that our synagogue has to pay extra money that we don't have, just because a congregant who could lein can't be bothered? When a congregant comes to shul so late that my husband doesn't know whether he'll have enough men for a Torah reading, should I not be upset? When a congregant's disinterest in reading haftarot means that my husband reads a haftarah at least twice a month in addition to leading P'sukei D'Zimrah and giving a d'var Torah, should I not be annoyed? When a person's indifference to attending Mincha means that we don't get a minyan and I can't say kaddish for my father, how can I not be upset? The longer I know this guy, the less tolerance I have for him. Bless my husband for being able to roll with the punches and ignore all this nonsense, but this guy just makes me mad. Then he gets mad because I'm not nice to him. Tough. He deserves it. I have no patience with people who shirk their communal responsibilities.
By contrast, I'm "Conservaprax," less of a believer and more of an observer. I try to davven/pray three times a day, though I don't always succeed. I try not to eat in non-kosher restaurants in places where kosher restaurants are available. I may not be the most observant Jew, but I'm almost as likely to try to follow the tradition (by, for example no longer traveling on Shabbat and Yom Tov [except for sedarim], though I honestly don't think that I'll be able to sustain that decision once there's no synagogue within walking distance) as to fight against it.
Frequent commenter JDub had the good sense to suggest "You would be a lot happier if you just focused on yourself and your own observance . . . " That's good advice, but I find it easier said than done, especially when the non-observance or inconsistent observance of others has a direct or indirect impact on my own observance. When the president says that he has to hire a leiner to read the Torah during the cantor's vacation, should I not be upset, knowing that our synagogue has to pay extra money that we don't have, just because a congregant who could lein can't be bothered? When a congregant comes to shul so late that my husband doesn't know whether he'll have enough men for a Torah reading, should I not be upset? When a congregant's disinterest in reading haftarot means that my husband reads a haftarah at least twice a month in addition to leading P'sukei D'Zimrah and giving a d'var Torah, should I not be annoyed? When a person's indifference to attending Mincha means that we don't get a minyan and I can't say kaddish for my father, how can I not be upset? The longer I know this guy, the less tolerance I have for him. Bless my husband for being able to roll with the punches and ignore all this nonsense, but this guy just makes me mad. Then he gets mad because I'm not nice to him. Tough. He deserves it. I have no patience with people who shirk their communal responsibilities.
posted by Shira Salamone at 6:38 PM
12 Comments:
Can I assume you meant "walking contradictions" rather than "walking contractions"? But if you meant "contraction", I guess "he" is "won't". But what are you?
Ouch. :) Yeah. Contradiction is correct. Fixed it.
Wait, do you want him to come to minyan, or are you annoyed that he carries on Shabbat? I'm very confused.
You need to find a new Shul, not put the responsibilities on a person that you want to do something for that you can't be bothered to be nice to.
Nu, why the choice? I want him to come to minyan, *and* I’m annoyed that he carries on Shabbat. (I understand that seniors and/or persons with health problems may need to carry, but he’s not so senior and is in good health.)
“You need to find a new Shul, . . .”
1. There’s only one other synagogue that’s within walking distance and that has services every Shabbat and Yom Tov.
2. We can’t move until my husband closes his tax and accounting practice, which will be at least a year from now—he couldn’t possibly run his practice out of a smaller apartment, and at least 50% of his clients live within walking distance.
3. It remains to be seen whether we’ll be able to afford to move after my husband retires. :(
“ . . . not put the responsibilities on a person that you want to do something for that you can't be bothered to be nice to."
I’m not “putting” any responsibilities on him that he doesn’t, in principle, already have, if he wants this congregation to survive. I really should work on being nice to him, though.
If your frustration dominates, you can't be an inspiration. There's very little point in going to shul as a spiritual practice if it ends up feeding negativity. How can you transcend if this stuff keeps bringing you down. Go to the other shul.
"I want him to come to minyan, *and* I’m annoyed that he carries on Shabbat."
That's nice. Why should he do that for you? You're not nice to him, you're not friends with him, yet you want him to do things for you.
I find your interest strange.
"Why should he do that for you?"
Miami Al, I repeat, "I’m not “putting” any responsibilities on him that he doesn’t, in principle, already have, if he wants this congregation to survive." His "early attendance at the study house, morning and evening," would benefit the entire congregation, not just me.
Agreed, though, that I gotta work on my friendliness.
Rejewvenator, at this point, I'm more likely to end up "playing hooky" at the local Orthodox shul than getting back on the subway.
"Miami Al, I repeat, "I’m not “putting” any responsibilities on him that he doesn’t, in principle, already have, if he wants this congregation to survive." His "early attendance at the study house, morning and evening," would benefit the entire congregation, not just me."
Maybe, but his attendance when he shows up, benefits by his D'var Torah.
It's not clear that his lack of attendance affects the congregation's ability to survive. Are you consistently at 9 people and he'd be the 10th, then someone friends with him could ask him to show up.
Does your Shul have a mandatory attendance policy? In the summer, the local Shul has that for late Maariv, for people that need a Minyan at that time. The list is such that he man is on the list like 2/month, with 30 or so people on the list to give it a likelihood of success.
You're putting a LOT of obligation on one man, for a benefit you'd like to receive, that it's not clear that the congregation cares about.
I think that your complaints about him are extremely unfair, you're singling him out for a community wide problem.
" . . . but his attendance when he shows up, benefits by his D'var Torah."
True. I should really give him more credit for his efforts in teaching Torah.
". . . you're singling him out for a community wide problem."
That's a fair charge. It's just that it's very difficult to count on just about *anyone* in our shul, at least partially due to the average age (and health) of our congregants.
"You're putting a LOT of obligation on one man, for a benefit you'd like to receive, that it's not clear that the congregation cares about."
Age and health problems aside, there does seem to be a rather inconsistent commitment to the importance of davvening in community (or at all) within our congregation. A few of our "regulars" make it a point to come at or near the beginning of the service, which begins at 9 AM, "Jewish time." Some make it a point to show up just in time for the Torah reading. Some waltz in whenever, even as late as 11:30 AM or beyond. So he's in good company, I'm sorry to say.
Although you direct your anger at a single individual, what you are saying is that the problem is largely community-wide, and you have an insufficient number of stalwarts who feel obligated to help make a minyan and, if possible, accept some responsibility for leading part of the service. So, I think your anger is misplaced.
You may be able to change the situation, but if you approach it from the attitude you express, you will only fail miserably. It sounds like the tzibbur needs a pep talk and a little well-placed shmoozing, rather than a scolding. And there's nothing wrong with approaching folks such as your target individually, but (a) you better make sure you have all your facts about whatever is happening in his house before you talk to him and (b), if you do, the appeal should be to how important he can be in the situation and how much his existing efforts have been appreciated; nothing like an appeal to ego to grease the skids. Did it ever occur to you that part of the problem may be he's feeling a little under-appreciated?
"Although you direct your anger at a single individual, what you are saying is that the problem is largely community-wide, and you have an insufficient number of stalwarts who feel obligated to help make a minyan and, if possible, accept some responsibility for leading part of the service. So, I think your anger is misplaced."
Good point, Steve.
"It sounds like the tzibbur needs a pep talk and a little well-placed shmoozing, rather than a scolding."
Would that I were better at pep talks than at scolding. That's a skill that I should work on.
" the appeal should be to how important he can be in the situation and how much his existing efforts have been appreciated; nothing like an appeal to ego to grease the skids. Did it ever occur to you that part of the problem may be he's feeling a little under-appreciated?"
That's a possibility, and my scolding him hasn't helped. Time to reverse my approach.
I have no idea " . . . whatever is happening in his house . . . " other than that lives alone. Perhaps there are mitigating circumstances of which I'm not aware.
Sometimes venting does me good because I'm forced to consider the possibility that I might be wrong and/or that my behavior and/or attitude might need some work. Thanks to all for helping me calm down and see this challenge from a different angle.
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